It has been one year today since I posted anything at all to this blog and today I’ll begin to break the silence.

These past two years have been a conflict of emotions beyond belief.  On one hand things seem to be going pretty well and I should be a happy guy, but on the other hand things have been utter hell, and that’s putting it nicely.

To recap, On April 4th, 2008 we lost our son, Felix David Groce, stillborn with a suspected cord accident. To say that it hurt, and it still does, would be an understatement.  After a gloomy year that I’d rather not relive, and honestly wished it was all just a bad dream, things seemed to be getting better (you never “get over” the loss of a child, so throw that notion out of the window right now).  I felt like doing stuff again. I got some creativity back. Work was going well (and my clients were/are amazing). And we were pregnant again with child #5. Things were starting to look up.

Then in June 2009 we went in for the first ultrasound and got hit by a freight train.  Our fifth child, and fourth son, Gabriel Elliott Groce, was diagnosed with a “universally fatal” birth defect known as Limb-Body Wall Complex. Long story short, we opted to carry him to term and did everything in our power to save him. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, but that miracle never came and he was born on October 19th, 2009 and my beautiful son died in my arms half an hour later.

Within the span of 18 months we had lost and buried two children.  This just isn’t how it’s supposed to be. But this is how it is.  And one of the hardest parts of all is the fact that short of taking ourselves out of the gene pool, there isn’t a thing that could have been done to change these circumstances. This is the hand that we were dealt and the river had already been turned. The only viable option is to play it out and hope that somehow the pair of two’s we are holding comes out on top.

There are so many dynamics to this whole situation that I could write a book on them. (And I just might.) But for today this will have to suffice as I gather my thoughts.  The story will be told, so stay tuned.