It’s now been three months since we lost our son.  I’m still processing everything and probably will be for some time. To say that it hurts is an understatement.  And what’s worse is that its not a hurt that has a “fix” that you can truly grasp…there is no “you’ll be back to normal in six weeks” healing process.  From what I’ve heard from others, it’s a long drawn out road that you go down that does get better over time but is always there to some extent.  My hope is that someday I can walk around without an emotional limp and use this experience for something positive.

Pulling and Jekyll and Hyde, the work side of life is doing great.  Business is booming, which is truly a blessing.  But there are times that my personal life makes it difficult to concentrate.  Life (and work) goes on with or without you, that is clear.  Luckily I have excellent help and understanding clients.

So that brings me to another milestone which is exciting.  July 1st marked the second anniversary of me being technically “unemployed” (for whatever reason self-employed equals unemployed…something to do with taxes which I’ll leave to my accountant).  To say that I’m happy to be able to say that I’ve “made it” would also be an understatement…I’m ecstatic.  So that is why I’m a bit emotionally conflicted at the moment.

While cleaning out the garage the other day I ran across my list of life goals from high school and the major items on the list has been checked off…graduate high school, graduate college, get married, have children and run my own business.  The only items left are to learn to water ski and grow old.  I’m working on the later.  We’ll see about the water skiing (snow skiing was a bad idea).  So I think it’s about time to create a new list of goals for the remainder of my life.  That’ll be good to think about what the future may hold.

Man, this is truly sad (and yes, I’m being serious)…due to tradition, if I were Chinese, I couldn’t enjoy firecrackers…

(CNN) — The sharp sound of firecrackers and the wails of grieving parents echoed Tuesday morning aboveJuyuan Middle School, where hundreds of students are still trapped 24 hours after a major earthquake in central China.

The firecrackers, a tradition to ward off evil spirits, sounded each time a child’s body was found, a reporter at the scene said.

“We heard firecrackers at regular intervals of about 5, 10 minutes,” said Jamil Anderlini, a reporter for the Financial Times.

Don’t get me wrong. This earthquake is tragic. The lives lost are tragic. Every culture has their own traditions and that is cool. But from the mindset of an American who has recently lost a child, I swear, if firecrackers were a reminder of my child’s death, I’d probably never light another one again and I’d probably be tempted to leave the States for the summer and never go to a good amusement or theme park again in order to avoid the large displays that seem to be everywhere during the summer.

It’s not a matter of wanting to forget. You can’t. But that constant summertime reminder in America would be quite a weight to bear, so I’m thankful that’s not the case. Watching pregnant women and those with newborns walk by is hard enough at times.

I saw a t-shirt tonight that I must get…it said “I crash both parties” and had the Democratic Jackass/Donkey* and Republic Elephant. That pretty much sums up my political stance.

While I may lean Republican if only given two choices, I’m not a party loyalist and have voted all across the board…sometimes neither option is good and having a third (or fourth or fifth) party is great. Sure, some will argue that you’re “throwing away” your vote, but I say that’s b.s. since at least I made an effort to vote unlike the apathetic people who don’t exercise the right so many have died to defend. Don’t get me started…if you don’t vote, don’t open your mouth to complain about our representatives or “the system”. Better yet, pack up your bags and move to some politically oppressed foreign land for a while to see how you like that.

Anyway, to today…

Here in Indiana you have to declare Democrat or Republican for primaries. For most of the state the only races that really mattered were Democratic. So guess what? An estimated 80% of voters in a traditionally Republican state declared Democratic.

For my area, that got us a trifecta of Democratic opponents for the fall…President (which hasn’t happened in my lifetime), Governor (many Democrats AND Republicans can’t stand our current Governor, myself included) and Congressman (or woman). Read the rest of this entry »

I watched the 134th Kentucky Derby this evening as is my usual tradition to officially start thinking about the three weeks of Indy Car racing that we’re gearing up for this coming week. It was a good race in which Big Brown won, but after the race, runner-up Eight Belles collapsed and was euthanized (a.k.a. “put to sleep”) on the track. Man, I’m glad that my kids weren’t in the living room when that happened and I probably would have changed the channel the moment they showed the horse lying on the track (anyone who knows even a little bit about horses knows that’s not a good thing). I know that it happens, but that is still truly sad to see. (And I’m just waiting to see what PETA has to say.)

Anyway, I’m getting excited about the track opening up and am looking forward to the Indy 500 and festivities. The month of May is quite exciting around here. And I’m praying that we avoid any tragedy ourselves here…that’s been plenty of that through the years.

Today I begin writing Volume 3 of my musings, now titled Never Picture Perfect and subtitled the musings of Brian Groce. The title is a nod to Rich Mullins and sums up most of my posts and my observations of life pretty well.

Also, let me note that this volume comes into existence due to extremely somber and heartbreaking circumstances. My wife and I lost and laid to rest our fourth child in the past week and a half. I am not ready to publicly share much more than that at this time, but as you read my blog from this point forward that knowledge will help make some things I’ll say make more sense.

That said, here’s the breakdown of my five and a half years of musings…

Volume 1: October 10th, 2002 – August 5th, 2006

• 578 Posts.
• Written after college during my first (and only) “real world” job.
• The last month of which was written after I was laid off.
• The births of my first two children occurred during in this period.
• My Age: 24-28.
• This volume has been archived and made private.

Volume 2: August 7th, 2006 – April 5th, 2008

• 214 Posts.
• Written during the period when Watershed Studio became my full-time job.
• Many new projects came into being during this period.
• The birth of my third child occurred during in this period.
• The birth and death of my fourth child occurred in this period.
• My Age: 28-30.
• This volume has been incorporated into Never Picture Perfect, at least for the time being.

Volume 3: April 12th, 2008 -

• This is where we are today.
• The tone will probably be slightly different as I make my way through dealing with the loss of my son. Don’t be surprised if I’m silent where I once was vocal. My perspective on life and what really matters in the grand scheme of things is changing…which of course will lead to similar, but different, musings.
• My Age: 30- .