These past two years have been a conflict of emotions beyond belief.  On one hand things seem to be going pretty well and I should be a happy guy, but on the other hand things have been utter hell, and that’s putting it nicely.

To recap, On April 4th, 2008 we lost our son, Felix David Groce, stillborn with a suspected cord accident. To say that it hurt, and it still does, would be an understatement.  After a gloomy year that I’d rather not relive, and honestly wished it was all just a bad dream, things seemed to be getting better (you never “get over” the loss of a child, so throw that notion out of the window right now).  I felt like doing stuff again. I got some creativity back. Work was going well (and my clients were/are amazing). And we were pregnant again with child #5. Things were starting to look up.

Then in June 2009 we went in for the first ultrasound and got hit by a freight train.  Our fifth child, and fourth son, Gabriel Elliott Groce, was diagnosed with a “universally fatal” birth defect known as Limb-Body Wall Complex. Long story short, we opted to carry him to term and did everything in our power to save him. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, but that miracle never came and he was born on October 19th, 2009 and my beautiful son died in my arms half an hour later.

Within the span of 18 months we had lost and buried two children.  This just isn’t how it’s supposed to be. But this is how it is.  And one of the hardest parts of all is the fact that short of taking ourselves out of the gene pool, there isn’t a thing that could have been done to change these circumstances. This is the hand that we were dealt and the river had already been turned. The only viable option is to play it out and hope that somehow the pair of two’s we are holding comes out on top.

There are so many dynamics to this whole situation that I could write a book on them. (And I just might.) But for today this will have to suffice as I gather my thoughts.  The story will be told, so stay tuned.

Share This

Well I don’t know too much about women
I couldn’t tell you how to sew a button on
My dad he never taught me how to fistfight
I don’t know who took the Series in ‘61

I don’t know how to paint like Picasso
No one ever showed me how to dance
Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going
Sometimes I don’t even know where I am

As for me I’m just a simple man
Some say maybe even worse
I thank the Lord that I can understand some things I’ve come to learn

Because I know that the laughter is heard farther than the weeping
Every broken heart will be bound
And I know that every tongue will sing His praises
I know that every knee will surely bow

So strengthen the hands that are feeble
Steady the knees that are week
Because the eyes of the blind will see His glory
I know that the lame ones will leap

What I don’t know seems like a lot
But compared to what I got
It’s nothing that I’ll ever need to know

And I don’t know how to change a baby’s diaper
I’m pretty sure I never want to try
I don’t know too much about automobiles
I’m pretty sure I could change a flat tire

I don’t remember much about algebra
And I’m not too good at ironing my clothes
I’m still trying to understand yesterday
I don’t know how tomorrow’s going to go

As for me I’m just a simple man
I’ll admit that there’s a lot that I don’t know
I thank the Lord that the promises I’m singing aren’t my own

Because I know that the water will gush forth in the wilderness
The thirst of the sand will be quenched by the springs
The ransomed of the Lord will come running
I know that we will stand with the redeemed

We will enter the city with rejoicing
We will sing on that glorious day
And let gladness and joy overtake us
While the sorrows and the sighs flee away
Let the sorrows and the sighs just flee away

What I don’t know seems like a lot
But compared to what I’ve got
It’s nothing that I’ll every need to know

Share This

So you think I’m something special, like I know a thing or two?
Like my eyes don’t ever wander, like my aim is always true?
So you think I’m not a dirty rotten scoundrel through and through?
Lady, I’ve got news for you.

So you think that you’re the only one to cry yourself to sleep?
That you’re the only one who’s scared they all forget you when you leave?
So you think that you’re the only one whose heart is black and blue?
Listen, I’ve got news for you, for you.
I might as well just tell you that it’s true, it’s true:
listen, I’ve got news for you.

So you think you don’t need anyone to love you?
So you think you don’t need anyone to love?
But you do.

So you say there is no hope.
Maybe God is dead and gone.
So you think that he can’t break a heart that’s harder than a stone?
So you feel so wrecked and dirty, he could never make you new?
Man, have I got news for you, for you.
I’m so compelled to tell you that it’s true, so true:
listen, I’ve got news for you.
I tell you I’ve got news for you.

I’ve got good news for you.

Share This

Apparently screws are a meat additive now?

Last night I went with my family to Cheeseburger in Paradise on Southport Road (4670 Southport Crossings Drive, Indianapolis IN 46237, Phone: 317-883-4386, Fax: 317-883-4086) because my 3 year old really liked it the first time we went with my parents a month or two ago.  Last time they served up the best Mushroom & Swiss burger that I’ve ever had (and I’ve had a lot) so of course there was no argument from me.

So we got our food, ate our diner and everything was great.  I wasn’t terribly hungry so I cut my sandwich in half (left side above) and boxed the rest up to have for lunch on Saturday (today).

So around lunch time today (Saturday) I headed to the refrigerator to heat up my leftover sandwich, my 4 year old’s left over mini-burger (right side above) and my fries.  As I took a bite of my sandwich I immediately felt something hard in my mouth and thought that it might be gristle.  As I cleaned off the meat around it I suddenly realized that it was not gristle, but instead something metal.  I spit it out of my mouth immediately and was floored to see that it was some sort of small screw (next to the mushroom above).

Then I called the restaurant to talk to a manager who took my information and was going to get in touch with his supervisor and get back with me.  This is where we are now.

As I’ve thought about this more and more over the past hour I am getting more and more angry about this.  While I didn’t get hurt (hopefully there’s nothing on the screw or it was sterilized by the heat) what if this had been in one of my children’s sandwiches?  While my 3 and 4 year old would hopefully spit it out, I’m not sure that my 1 year old would.  And it’s just redicilious to have to worry about this when going out to eat.  I know that accidents happen, but this is downright insane.  Am I wrong?

Anyway, we’ll see what response I get back from Cheeseburger in Paradise.  In the meantime I’d suggest taking a metal detector with you when you go out to eat.

Share This

* Well, sort of…My camera was in the shop for a few months and I just didn’t have/make the time to setup the site on the new domain until now.

Share This

But the strangest thing that I saw was related to the menu.  They now offer combos that come with a salad or a slice of pizza.  A decent sized salad or a normal slice of pizza.  Pizza just doesn’t seem like a good option to go along with my Fettucini Alfredo and stack of bread sticks for more than one reason so I opted for the salad.  Maybe we’re a test market (which we often are), in which case I doubt that will be an option the next time I go there.  But that struck me as odd and I made a note to myself to blog about that and see what everyone else thought.

Share This

• I turned 30 this year.  I’m losing more hair and going gray at the same time.
• In April 2008 my wife and I lost a child (stillborn).
  • Yes, that sucks…you’re expecting a child and instead you end up planing a funeral and trying to explain things to the little ones that you already have.
  • Are we “OK”?  Yes and no.  No, if by OK you mean back to “normal”.  Normal has been redefined.  (While not always as drastic, I’d say that normal is constantly being redefined anyway.)  Yes, if by OK you mean are we pressing on.
  • Related to OK, yes, we’re coping and no, we’re not “over it” (I doubt that will ever happen as long as we have a “sound” mind).  I’d say that this is the first time that the concept of “grieving” has “clicked”…don’t get me wrong, I’ve been very sad at the loss of my loved ones in the past, but I have never felt the deep down emotions that have went along with this.  It’s another one of those life experiences that you can’t understand until you have been there yourself.
  • No, there’s not really anything that you can say to us that would really lend comfort.  BUT, just being “there” and not acting like we have some sort of disease or “elephant” is appreciated.  (Seriously, some people avoid you and others give you a look that gives you an idea of what they’re thinking but wanting to avoid.)
  • Yes, we’re willing to talk about it (to some extent anyway), but it probably won’t be something we bring up in normal conversation.  Yes, it may upset us at times, but please know that it’s not you.
  • Please don’t be alarmed when you hear us talk about it or have reminders around the house.
• We went to The Smokies in May and then surprised the kids with a trip to Disney World for close to a two week vacation.
• The kids are getting big…and very funny.
• We’ve became “members” of family things…The Indianapolis Zoo, The Children’s Museum of Indianapolis and Eagle Creek Park.
• Business is doing great.  I have to thank everyone for their support over the past two years.  Some of you may have been thinking I was nuts, but at least you kept that to yourself or to where I couldn’t hear (not that I would have listened anyway since that has been my goal for as long as I can remember).

Share This

Pulling and Jekyll and Hyde, the work side of life is doing great.  Business is booming, which is truly a blessing.  But there are times that my personal life makes it difficult to concentrate.  Life (and work) goes on with or without you, that is clear.  Luckily I have excellent help and understanding clients.

So that brings me to another milestone which is exciting.  July 1st marked the second anniversary of me being technically “unemployed” (for whatever reason self-employed equals unemployed…something to do with taxes which I’ll leave to my accountant).  To say that I’m happy to be able to say that I’ve “made it” would also be an understatement…I’m ecstatic.  So that is why I’m a bit emotionally conflicted at the moment.

While cleaning out the garage the other day I ran across my list of life goals from high school and the major items on the list has been checked off…graduate high school, graduate college, get married, have children and run my own business.  The only items left are to learn to water ski and grow old.  I’m working on the later.  We’ll see about the water skiing (snow skiing was a bad idea).  So I think it’s about time to create a new list of goals for the remainder of my life.  That’ll be good to think about what the future may hold.

Share This

(CNN) — The sharp sound of firecrackers and the wails of grieving parents echoed Tuesday morning aboveJuyuan Middle School, where hundreds of students are still trapped 24 hours after a major earthquake in central China.

The firecrackers, a tradition to ward off evil spirits, sounded each time a child’s body was found, a reporter at the scene said.

“We heard firecrackers at regular intervals of about 5, 10 minutes,” said Jamil Anderlini, a reporter for the Financial Times.

Don’t get me wrong. This earthquake is tragic. The lives lost are tragic. Every culture has their own traditions and that is cool. But from the mindset of an American who has recently lost a child, I swear, if firecrackers were a reminder of my child’s death, I’d probably never light another one again and I’d probably be tempted to leave the States for the summer and never go to a good amusement or theme park again in order to avoid the large displays that seem to be everywhere during the summer.

It’s not a matter of wanting to forget. You can’t. But that constant summertime reminder in America would be quite a weight to bear, so I’m thankful that’s not the case. Watching pregnant women and those with newborns walk by is hard enough at times.

Share This

While I may lean Republican if only given two choices, I’m not a party loyalist and have voted all across the board…sometimes neither option is good and having a third (or fourth or fifth) party is great. Sure, some will argue that you’re “throwing away” your vote, but I say that’s b.s. since at least I made an effort to vote unlike the apathetic people who don’t exercise the right so many have died to defend. Don’t get me started…if you don’t vote, don’t open your mouth to complain about our representatives or “the system”. Better yet, pack up your bags and move to some politically oppressed foreign land for a while to see how you like that.

Anyway, to today…

Here in Indiana you have to declare Democrat or Republican for primaries. For most of the state the only races that really mattered were Democratic. So guess what? An estimated 80% of voters in a traditionally Republican state declared Democratic.

For my area, that got us a trifecta of Democratic opponents for the fall…President (which hasn’t happened in my lifetime), Governor (many Democrats AND Republicans can’t stand our current Governor, myself included) and Congressman (or woman).

For President it seems that around here most Republicans would rather see Hillary win for at least one of three reasons. 1) She has a better chance of losing to McCain. 2) The other guy talks but doesn’t really say anything. 3) For some reason the thought of the other guy running the country seems downright scary and just asking for trouble.

Honestly, when it comes to the fall elections I’m not sure I could vote for either of those three. And there’s one candidate that there’s no way in the world I’d vote for. At this point I’m just hoping that the Democratic Party and Republican Party ditch all three candidates and run a joint Al Gore/Dan Quayle campaign. Can you imagine how much fun those four years would be? I mean come one, wouldn’t it be nice to find out that those two invented democracy? I guarantee that CSPAN would be the highest rated television station four years running. If we can’t pull that ticket off, Tony Dungy might get my vote as a write-in…in all honesty I’d vote for Tony if he were to ever run.

For the Indiana Governor’s race, I’ll be voting for someone other than the Republican incumbent. The man cut funding for my old job (sure, that turned out great for me and drove home the fact that no job is “secure”, but it still irritated me a bit at the time and put a lot of other people out of work too) and sold one of our roads (he’ll say it’s a “lease”…a lease that will be around beyond my lifetime and probably my kids’ lifetimes). All of the other dumb moves he’s made don’t even need to be considered for me personally. He’s not my man.

For our congressman, well, that’s a tough nut to crack and I have never voted for the person who holds that office. But I keep voting, so maybe one day.

Anyway, there was actually a candidate called “Hippie Joe” who’s a neo-Nazi bartender who was running for the Democratic nod. Seriously, this guy had to sneak in (for a second time) somehow. My guess is that he’s too radical even for the third parties and snuck in as a Democrat. Our district has a huge population of black voters, so it’s no wonder I never even heard of this guy before looking at the ballot (I grabbed the Republican one two years ago)…man, that’d go over well and I’d love to see that debate…the (barely) incumbent Muslim, a few Christians and the neo-Nazi discussing their thoughts on the war in Iraq and terrorism. That might get ugly in a hurry.  [Just to clarify, I wish there wasn't a neo-Nazi running at all for people to accidentally vote for and wish there wasn't such a group in existence...but the oddness of it strikes me as, well, odd.]

So there are my voting rants for the day. I’m not a fan of political arguments and find them pointless since the issues are key and I find the idea of only two “major” parties silly, but feel free to flame away.

* Thank you Andrew Jackson! For those of you who don’t know, “the now-famous Democratic donkey was first associated with Democrat Andrew Jackson’s 1828 presidential campaign. His opponents called him a jackass (a donkey), and Jackson decided to use the image of the strong-willed animal on his campaign posters.” – FactMonster, Wikipedia and many more

Share This