Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve never been one to just up and follow the crowd without having a good reason to do so.  And for the most part I’ve always been a pretty laid back guy, rarely getting fired up over whatever it is that the masses are clamoring to and ranting about (unless of course it’s football, which is another story). I’ve always been one to try new things and to offer up a good laugh by throwing in a one-liner here and there.  I may not be the type to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I am man enough to cry when needed and will do my best to comfort family & friends in their time of need (and please don’t slug me if I try to make you laugh during the hard times).

That said, after having lost two children, my perspective on life has changed a bit.  Not in the sense that who I am has changed, but in the sense that my perspective on the timing of life has changed.

What I’ve always heard, but was just not very clear until now, is that we’re not promised today, let alone tomorrow.  I have dreams and goals. There are things that I want to do before my time on earth is through. Things that in my mind I have plenty of time to do before I go. But the truth be told, there’s a chance that I might not be here an hour from now.

All of that to say, my approach to life is to get out there and run with it while I still can.  If there’s something that I’m putting off until I reach a certain point, until I have a certain amount of money, until my children are a certain age, etc., then, God willing, I’m going to do my best to achieve those things sooner rather than later.

And recently that has started to be put into action.

I’ve been traveling more lately, even if the locales are not foreign to me.  Next on my list is to get a passport and find somewhere to go that we can afford (one of my sons wants to go to Mexico, so maybe that will be it).

And the biggest leap of faith that I’ve taken recently is signing a lease agreement for office space for my businesses.  To be completely honest, that scares me a bit given the nature of my business(es), and rightfully so.  And I may be just a little too laid back to recognize the enormity of that…luckily I have a better half to help me watch over that.  But I’m locked in to at least try it out for a year.  If it ends up looking like it’s not going to work out in the long run, so be it, but at least I tried and will have learned something from it.  But if it works out, I’ll be ecstatic.  As the saying goes, “it’s better to have tried and failed than to not have tried at all.”

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These past two years have been a conflict of emotions beyond belief.  On one hand things seem to be going pretty well and I should be a happy guy, but on the other hand things have been utter hell, and that’s putting it nicely.

To recap, On April 4th, 2008 we lost our son, Felix David Groce, stillborn with a suspected cord accident. To say that it hurt, and it still does, would be an understatement.  After a gloomy year that I’d rather not relive, and honestly wished it was all just a bad dream, things seemed to be getting better (you never “get over” the loss of a child, so throw that notion out of the window right now).  I felt like doing stuff again. I got some creativity back. Work was going well (and my clients were/are amazing). And we were pregnant again with child #5. Things were starting to look up.

Then in June 2009 we went in for the first ultrasound and got hit by a freight train.  Our fifth child, and fourth son, Gabriel Elliott Groce, was diagnosed with a “universally fatal” birth defect known as Limb-Body Wall Complex. Long story short, we opted to carry him to term and did everything in our power to save him. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, but that miracle never came and he was born on October 19th, 2009 and my beautiful son died in my arms half an hour later.

Within the span of 18 months we had lost and buried two children.  This just isn’t how it’s supposed to be. But this is how it is.  And one of the hardest parts of all is the fact that short of taking ourselves out of the gene pool, there isn’t a thing that could have been done to change these circumstances. This is the hand that we were dealt and the river had already been turned. The only viable option is to play it out and hope that somehow the pair of two’s we are holding comes out on top.

There are so many dynamics to this whole situation that I could write a book on them. (And I just might.) But for today this will have to suffice as I gather my thoughts.  The story will be told, so stay tuned.

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Pulling and Jekyll and Hyde, the work side of life is doing great.  Business is booming, which is truly a blessing.  But there are times that my personal life makes it difficult to concentrate.  Life (and work) goes on with or without you, that is clear.  Luckily I have excellent help and understanding clients.

So that brings me to another milestone which is exciting.  July 1st marked the second anniversary of me being technically “unemployed” (for whatever reason self-employed equals unemployed…something to do with taxes which I’ll leave to my accountant).  To say that I’m happy to be able to say that I’ve “made it” would also be an understatement…I’m ecstatic.  So that is why I’m a bit emotionally conflicted at the moment.

While cleaning out the garage the other day I ran across my list of life goals from high school and the major items on the list has been checked off…graduate high school, graduate college, get married, have children and run my own business.  The only items left are to learn to water ski and grow old.  I’m working on the later.  We’ll see about the water skiing (snow skiing was a bad idea).  So I think it’s about time to create a new list of goals for the remainder of my life.  That’ll be good to think about what the future may hold.

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Also, let me note that this volume comes into existence due to extremely somber and heartbreaking circumstances. My wife and I lost and laid to rest our fourth child in the past week and a half. I am not ready to publicly share much more than that at this time, but as you read my blog from this point forward that knowledge will help make some things I’ll say make more sense.

That said, here’s the breakdown of my five and a half years of musings…

Volume 1: October 10th, 2002 – August 5th, 2006

• 578 Posts.
• Written after college during my first (and only) “real world” job.
• The last month of which was written after I was laid off.
• The births of my first two children occurred during in this period.
• My Age: 24-28.
• This volume has been archived and made private.

Volume 2: August 7th, 2006 – April 5th, 2008

• 214 Posts.
• Written during the period when Watershed Studio became my full-time job.
• Many new projects came into being during this period.
• The birth of my third child occurred during in this period.
• The birth and death of my fourth child occurred in this period.
• My Age: 28-30.
• This volume has been incorporated into Never Picture Perfect, at least for the time being.

Volume 3: April 12th, 2008 -

• This is where we are today.
• The tone will probably be slightly different as I make my way through dealing with the loss of my son. Don’t be surprised if I’m silent where I once was vocal. My perspective on life and what really matters in the grand scheme of things is changing…which of course will lead to similar, but different, musings.
• My Age: 30- .

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Anyway, what tripped it tonight was two things.   Andrew Peterson & the violent death of a former high school classmate.

Every time I see or listen to AP I quickly regain my focus on what really matters in the grand scheme of things.    God, family, friends and then everything else (including my businesses and anything else that I might have my hands in at any given moment).  That’s a good thing except for the fact that I’m always eagerly (and impatiently) looking forward to the next chapter and potentially miss out on some memorable moments of the current one.

Then the violent death of someone I once knew just compounds that by making me see my own mortality through the example of their life.  Even though this wasn’t someone I knew real well, it was someone that I had spent hours working side-by-side with while we were interns one summer (not to mention being classmates for four years).  While I don’t know all of the details, the main detail is the one that concerns me the most.  Death.

I don’t care who you  are or what your relationship is to the person, if you have any sense at all that is going to get the wheels turning upstairs and you’ll begin to ponder “what if today is my last?” and all of the questions that follow that.  And frankly, I don’t want to have to answer that one right now…I’ve got a good forty plus years ahead of me, right?  As proven by this latest tragic event, that answer is clear.  No, not necessarily.

Anyway, I’ve not formulated many organized thoughts beyond that just yet.  But rest assured, God has my attention and I intend to savor every bit of this life he has blessed me with.

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It only happens once every four years.  Sometimes not even then.  If you’re lucky enough to make it to eighty, you’ll only see nineteen or twenty of these in your lifetime.  Go, enjoy your extra day.

I’m personally taking the day off to get out of the “office” and I am instituting Leap Day as an official holiday for Watershed Studio.  (Yet another nice thing about running your own business.)  And for those of you who’ve not been to the Watershed site lately, we’ve given the site a much needed face lift.  Take a look and let me know what you think.

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Well, I was in the midst of something tonight and missed the total lunar eclipse, but at least I was able to snap a few photos of the partial lunar eclipse. We have to wait for 34 months to see another one of these, so hopefully it will be clear that night as well.

And I missed the space shuttle landing too. I’m just not on it today.

Anyway, they better release some video footage of them shooting the satellite out of the sky…that might make up for it a little.

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Turning twenty hit me pretty hard, mainly because I loved nineteen, the age where you’re an adult and have some freedoms, but where you’re still young enough to where people don’t expect a whole lot of you yet and you don’t have any “real” bills. Nineteen was great, though not very fulfilling.

Fast forward a decade.

While I dreaded them at first, my twenties were great. They weren’t easy by any stretch of the imagination, but they were great and full of learning and personal growth/maturity.

In my twenties I graduated from college (AS from Purdue University), got an entry level job (in my degree field with Indiana University), got married (to my “high school sweetheart”), graduated from college again (BS from Purdue University), bought a house, got a promotion to a salary position, became a father, started my own consulting business (on the side at that point), got “laid off” from my “day job”, nurtured my business (with help from above, family & friends) into a “full time” job during my unemployment period, spent a ton of time with my kids during the days and most recently, started another business (I’ve not “officially” announced the details of that though).

So yes, my twenties were not always easy, but they were action packed and far beyond what I could comprehend could take place in a ten year span of time and I stand amazed at how much I’ve learned and grown. Those years will always bring back fond memories, but it’s time to press on and see what my thirties have in store for me.

I look to my thirties not in dread, but rather in anticipation. And maybe that’s just a part of being a little more mature. Yes, the road probably won’t be an easy one (remember, I said that I have kids…and they’re getting older along with dad…AND I’m a small business owner), but I know that it’ll be worth it in the long run and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Stay tuned after these brief messages (for the next ten years)…

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While I know that I have already accomplished a lot, there is just something “there” that drives me further each day in the pursuit of whatever the bigger picture may be for my life. It’s a little hard to put that “fire” into words, but for anyone who has been following Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy’s football career, it’s sort of like that. (This is what I do…for now. If I can’t continue to do it well, I’d rather step aside and let someone else have a shot. This isn’t what I want to do forever, but as long as it is where God wants me to be, I’ll continue. And at the end of the day the two most important things to me are my God and my family.)

Now that I’ve set a somber tone for the day, throw open the curtains, bask in the sunlight, then at some point head outside into the brisk January air, close your eyes, arms wide open, head towards the sky, take a deep breath and just thank God for the opportunity to live and breath yet another day. You never know how many more you might have, so treat each day as it is your last and as the gift that it is.

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• Jeff & I had a DJ gig which was fun and interesting at one point. It’s just a hobby and both of us are extremely busy, so don’t expect that to be a common activity for us. And for those of you wondering, I’m the DJ, he’s the rapper. (And if you don’t get the reference you’re either too young OR you’re too old.)
• I had dinner at Hard Rock Cafe for the first time since the sale and I have to say I like the old menu better and the prices seem even higher than before.
• I saw Trans-Siberian Orchestra down at the Fieldhouse. Great two hour and forty-five minute show. A little loud at the end (how old am I?) and probably not for everyone, but if you’re into “rock opera”, you’ve got to check it out.
• My wife and I celebrated our anniversary. (Christmas weddings are awesome by the way.) Man, do the years pass quickly and looking back at the photos, there’s no denying that I’m looking older.
• I saw Sweeney Todd (for my anniversary). If you’re not familiar with the story line I’ll just say that it’s NOT appropriate for children AND it is NOT appropriate for some adults. Johnny Deep did an excellent job and Tim Burton worked his usual magic. But it is a bit bloody and “dark”, so don’t see it solely on my “thumbs up”.
• I ate at the Rathskeller for the first time (and also for my anniversary). German food is excellent, though I’m not sure why it is a bit pricey (at least it has been at the German restaurants that I’ve been.)
• Christmas shopping, Christmas parties, Christmas get-togethers’ & family time.
• My wife and I had our annual viewing of How the Ghosts Stole Christmas, guest staring Lily Tomlin and Edward Asner, while we wrapped presents on Christmas Eve. Even if you’re not a fan of the X-Files, this is a must see episode and in my opinion the best of the bunch (and I’ve seen them all).
• For the second year running, I watched It’s a Wonderful Life by myself very late Christmas Eve while I was finishing up my own wrapping and Christmas projects (that’s what happens when you procrastinate). This year it occurred to me that this is more of a “guy movie” and why just about every female I know would prefer to watch White Christmas or Holiday Inn (both of which I don’t have to watch every year). But It’s a Wonderful Life resonates with me and I’d guess that’d be the case with just about every male who has a family to take care of. And the whole small business vs. big business conflict also draws me in.
• Also late Christmas Eve I put in the short old version of Miracle on 34th Street. Classic.
• I watched A Christmas Story with some friends. That movie never gets old. “My old man … worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master.”
• We watched The Polar Express while we put up the tree. Excellent family movie.
• We watched The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause. Nowhere near as good as the first two and I’d only suggest buying it to complete the trilogy.
• Jeff & I recorded a few Trolley Dodgers and Utter Oddcast episodes.
• The Future Karnies of America wrote, recorded, mixed and released Karnie Christmas 2007 (a.k.a. Karnie Christmas 3). A fun time was had by all. (#2 is still my favorite, though the recording of #3 is a step up.)
• I started some new blog ventures which should be a bit more “there” within a few months.
• Football, football and more football. Man I love December and January football.
• And of course the usual being a husband, father and small business owner.

So, that give a limited idea of what I’ve been up to. Normal posting should resume shortly.

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